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kate.lambert: On behalf of ULI BC’s Women’s Leadership Initiative Executive Committee and on behalf of ULI, and all the members of our community, Thank you for joining us. This is our first digital workshop and it’s titled Conscious Conversations in Challenging Times and Beyond.

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kate.lambert: Before I introduce our guests instructor, Deb.

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kate.lambert: I wanted to just talk a little bit about the format for the event.

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kate.lambert: As it is our first event will ask for your patience. If we encounter any technical issues, but I think we’re all pretty conversant with zoom by now.

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kate.lambert: So hopefully, it goes smoothly. Um, firstly, we’re hosting this event in order to continue offering our high quality impactful programming to our members and guests.

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kate.lambert: To advance through this journey. This is part of the mission of Wi Fi and also have our guests interfere

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kate.lambert: And we will have you all on mute. But just try to keep commuters. In case you take it off by accident, and we’ll use the chat function for questions.

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kate.lambert: So if you have any questions or comments or things you want to share during the conversation, please type them into the chat and we’ll be monitoring it and we will pause to discuss questions and insights during and after the call.

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kate.lambert: We will also be recording this session to share afterwards and and we’ll share a link to that online with everybody who registered

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kate.lambert: So I’d like to introduce our guest instructor Deborah and she is a teacher and trained coach. She’s a past award winning realtor

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kate.lambert: And her passion and her role now is helping high performing leaders develop the skills and the mindset to succeed in all areas of their personal and professional lives.

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kate.lambert: I’m really excited to welcome Deb to Wi Fi or her first event as well as our first digital event. And I really look forward to the dynamic workshop and she has planned for us.

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kate.lambert: Oh, have some closing remarks, when we’re done here. But I’d like to pass it over to Deb now.

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debstell: Okay, thank you so much for that kind introduction. And I just want to take a moment now because I might get all excited. Forget later to to thank Kate.

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debstell: lebert and page Richie and Shannon Patterson for making this event happen today for inviting me to present to you and run this workshop for you and also for getting everything all set up on the type of Glenn. Thanks, Shannon for that. Okay, well let’s dive right in and

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debstell: Let me

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debstell: Hang on a second. I’ve got a we have a technical issue already

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debstell: Here we go. Alright, so I’m Deborah selling where my company is that we’re selling of coaching and I have two website addresses that will lead you to the same place.

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debstell: You’ll notice right off that. My name is really long and though it’s on every slide that you will see today you will not remember how to spell it because of people who’ve known me for 20 years since I’ve had this name who because I’m only 20 years old.

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debstell: Who don’t know how to spell it so you can find me at stellar Life Project com or Deborah’s telemark.com

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debstell: Alright about me. I paid Kate has told you a little bit about me, but I want to give you some background so that you have some sense about why you should listen to me. And anything that I have to say so.

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debstell: I have a background in education, ba, ba, and honors English and an MA in rhetorical studies and Shakespeare. I did a joint focus in my master’s degree and rhetorical studies and Shakespeare

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debstell: Really, all the same, because it’s a focus on language in use and I’m accredited by the coaches Training Institute. I’ve done leadership training with Lawrence and CO, as well as Bernie browns dare to lead program.

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debstell: I was a teacher for 15 years taught International Baccalaureate English in theory of knowledge and I ran a successful real estate practice for over six years.

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debstell: Before I realized that I wasn’t in my zone of genius and wanted to get back into teaching. And so that’s why I’m here today. So my company is called stellar my private coaching consulting and I’m currently also in house coach and trainer for the Remax select group.

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debstell: That’s me. And now, all of that is to tell you that at some point I knew something because credentials are really just proof that you knew something at one time.

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debstell: And I’m hoping that something of what I’ve known I can pass on to you today and it’ll be useful for you and your leadership journey.

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debstell: To get started, we’re going to do just play around a little bit with some of our tools that are available to us on zoom. So this is a

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debstell: new experience for me to leave a workshop in this environment. I’m used to be more interactive obviously I can’t even see anybody right now.

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debstell: So help me to see you. By finding your annotation device or app on the screen. So it’s under view on your tool bar on the bottom of your screen.

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debstell: Under the view section, you’ll have an option to annotate and if you could right now click on that annotate and it’ll give you an option.

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debstell: To you can click on stamp and they’ll give you an option to stamp something. So you’ll notice that I put a star right there on

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debstell: Vancouver ish. That’s probably not really Vancouver. Thank you. Somebody already figured it out. Put a stamp on the map where you’re at. So I can see where you’re at.

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debstell: And once you’ve done that, wow, somebody from way over in the east side of the country of America and

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debstell: Can I ask that you also just say hi in the chat. Let’s try that out, everybody, make sure I’m sure you’re all proficient with zoom by now but

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debstell: I want to see who’s here and the annotation feature. We’re going to use it later on. Well, some people are way down south and

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debstell: The Hey everybody, and I think it just let me know in the chat, where you’re from. Let us know where you’re from and maybe what your title is so we kind of know who’s in the room who’s in the zoom room today.

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debstell: And then let me know if you’re willing to

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debstell: Your answer to this, these two questions. Are you a you Li member

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debstell: And are you wearing pants today. And the reason I asked that question is because I put pants on for you today and pants that are not from a yoga store or an athletic store so

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debstell: Yeah.

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debstell: Yeah, real pants.

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debstell: And development managers, we’ve got this is going to pass me really fast, project managers in the house research analysts. Yes, we have some other people wear your pants.

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debstell: Got some members in the House.

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debstell: Oh, somebody’s wearing shorts, they must be from Vancouver.

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debstell: See region. Fraser basic council. Yep.

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debstell: Awesome.

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debstell: Yoga pants or

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debstell: shorts and flip flops. Thanks, guys. Well, I’m glad that everybody’s comfortable. Either way, I hope you are.

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debstell: Housing consultant. So I’ve got a variety of people in the in the room today. And thanks for everyone for being here.

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debstell: Now that we’ve tried out those tools. We know how they work. We can see the majority of our people are really are here from the lower mainland.

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debstell: What’s really exciting for us at putting on this workshop for you today is that

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debstell: Originally it was scheduled to be an in person workshop and I’m really glad that we get to do it this way because it means that you can wear your yoga pants and your shorts and you can also be here if you’re not from the Vancouver area. So welcome, everyone. All right, let’s get to it.

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debstell: And I have to turn the annotation off, apparently. There we go. Before I can change the slide there oh is shattered. I need you to clear the annotations, because we’re moving into the presentation.

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debstell: So leading with conscious conversations. And here we go to get an outline of the workshop let you know where we’re going today and

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debstell: We’re going to talk about the what and why of conscious conversations we’re going to touch on the three phases of crisis.

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debstell: TAKE YOU INTO THE four ingredients for conscious conversation. I’ll give you an easy formula for tough conversations that you can use right away and

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debstell: Well, you can use everything I’m going to share today right away and then we’ll go back to the communicating in the three phases of crisis. Okay, everyone.

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debstell: Alright, so the first thing I want to do is to design our time together and you all were you all received a workbook in the email that Shannon sent out yesterday.

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debstell: Two versions of that there’s a printable copy too late to print it now. And there’s also a syllable form and that’s my first time making a film forum. So if it doesn’t work, forgive me and and you can head on over to your political forum, you can actually add the

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debstell: You make you make the screen smaller, you can have them both on the screen at the same time.

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debstell: You can fill out your notes in the form. So the first thing that I want you to do.

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debstell: And you can do this in a journal as well. You don’t have to do it in the workbook. I provided the workbook for you so that you don’t have to write down everything I say you can fill in some blanks and then you can have some reflection.

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debstell: This to save your hands. Okay, so the first thing I want you to do is to in your workbook book or in your notes forever to set your intention for today’s workshop

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debstell: What is it that you’re wanting to get out of today’s workshop. What is your intention for the time you’re here. So are you looking for new ideas. Are you looking for a refresher. Maybe you already know this stuff.

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debstell: Maybe there’s a specific person you need to have a conversation with and you’re looking for some tools.

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debstell: Maybe you just want to get some tools for creating a culture of conscious conversation.

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debstell: And maybe your intention is just to be present and listen.

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debstell: Practice and listening skills, we’re going to talk about that.

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debstell: So take a moment to write that down.

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debstell: And while you’re thinking about that. I’m going to

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debstell: Ask you share with you some requests that I have a view. So, and the first request is this is that you will listen for insight not agreement.

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debstell: And let me explain what I mean by that. So when you’re listening for insight. It’s like listening to music, where you let it flow over you, you get present and you look for your insight. What is it, what’s here for you that you’re going to take away today.

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debstell: I’ll also ask that you listen with a beginners or a growth mindset. And let me just clarify that. I’m sure you know what it is but a fixed mindset says, I’ve heard all this before. This is a waste of time a growth mindset asks what’s here for me.

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debstell: How can I take what I hear, and apply it. So I can find out if it works for me or not. Okay.

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debstell: And finally, I’d asked that you’d be willing to play.

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debstell: And what I mean by that is that you’ll be willing to put your annotations on the screen.

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debstell: Participate in the exercises. When I’m asking you to share in the chat. And so right now. Let’s practice that if

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debstell: Everybody’s okay and agrees with my request, can you please put a star on the screen right now or hard or whatever, whatever symbol you want take a moment to if you’re agreeing with my requests. Can you put a star on the screen.

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debstell: Popping up awesome check marks. Thank you. Thank you.

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debstell: Excellent. I’ll give you like 10 more seconds to figure out your annotation button. So at least I’ve got a handful of people who are agreeing to my requests, and I appreciate that. Thank you for playing along with me today.

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debstell: If we were in person. I’d ask you to put your hand up. So

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debstell: Thanks for taking the time to the annotation. All right.

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debstell: Let’s move on. Shannon, I’ll ask you to clear the screen.

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debstell: Thank you. What you just experienced was me designing our relationship designing the relationship that we’re going to have in the next well approximately an hour and 15 minutes this we work together and

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debstell: The designing the relationships is it’s coaching language is the language we use and coaching. You may have heard of it before.

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debstell: But it’s important because we’re always in the process of designing relationships. And if we’re not doing so, intentionally, we may be defaulting to a design that is the best frustrating and at worst toxic.

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debstell: And so I went to start our I always start all my trainings all my coaching with the designing the relationship. It’s a setting of expectations.

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debstell: And want to model that for you. And we’ll bring it up throughout the presentation and really everything that we’re going to talk about today, we’re going to share with you.

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debstell: Is tools for you to be designing your relationships. And if you’re not designing them as I said you’re defaulting them. But not to worry, you can always redesign and that’s what we’re going to talk about today and some of the tools that I’m going to give you for that today. Okay.

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debstell: So let’s dive right in to conscious conversations and now being a student, as well as a teacher of language. I want to always start with definitions.

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debstell: And so the definition for conscious conversation. Let’s start with conscious. It’s an adjective.

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debstell: Describing the type of conversation or communication. We want to have and we are looking at two definitions of conscious and they’re both applicable to our idea of conversations

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debstell: One is being awake, which is thinking and knowing what’s happening around you can see why that might be important for conscious communication.

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debstell: And determined and intentional. So I’m you if you’re in your workbooks, you can fill those things in here, giving you the keywords there.

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debstell: And then conversation while it might seem obvious. I wanted to take a moment to define that, too, because we don’t want to make assumptions that what

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debstell: We mean by a word is what everybody means this is all part about being conscious with our communication and so conversation.

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debstell: Is defined by as an informal usual usually private talk in which two or more people exchange thoughts, feelings, or ideas or in which news or information is given or discussed

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debstell: Now I share that with you because I don’t want you to confuse that with a chat I make a distinction between a conversation and the chat.

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debstell: As an a chat is social. So when you’re inviting somebody into your office to talk about an important matter to give them some tough information to perhaps discipline or give tough feedback inviting them for a chat is setting them up.

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debstell: For the wrong expectations. Okay, so we distinguish between conversation and chat, chat is more social conversation more intentional. Okay.

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debstell: In the meantime, if you have questions, throw them in the tuck the other chat. So why is this important. It’s important because conscious conversations create psychological safety.

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debstell: And it’s from this place that inspiration innovation and productivity flow and who couldn’t use more of that in the workplace.

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debstell: So I want to take a moment, we’re going to do a quick poll. This is an anonymous poll, by the way. And so whatever number you choose and

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debstell: Nobody else is going to know it’s your that you picked it so. So here you have a team member on this call and you’re you’re writing your team as

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debstell: Unconscious and conscious conversation culture zone. They’re not going to know. So Shannon Akiko with a pole up right now and let’s just see where people are at in terms of

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debstell: Raising your culture on conscious conversation, one being unconscious 10 being fully awake five, you’re kind of dozing when you’re an adult was it’s kind of a light sleep be sort of sometimes wake up and sometimes slip into a deeper sleep.

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debstell: So go ahead and

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debstell: Write that there. I’m going to, I have to use it to fun

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debstell: One thing we didn’t do Shannon, if you could pop in the chat. The results are, how are we going to share the results because I’m realizing, that’s the one thing that we did not talk about, oh, there it is.

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debstell: Awesome. Okay, so we have a range and a good good space. So that’s great. So you see where you’re at and

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debstell: I put 10 because I actually communicate mostly with myself. Probably inaccurate to as a solo printer. I’m mostly talking to myself, but

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debstell: Yeah, that’s really, really helpful to see that kind of since we’re at. And so there’s always room for improvement and always room for growth. I don’t want to say I put 10 kind of as a joke because we’re never fully awake.

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debstell: There’s always space to increase our awareness, because we get caught in our own patterns we get caught in our own stories and so

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debstell: It’s actually, I don’t think it’s possible to be fully awake. It’s always moving towards the waking up. But yeah, we’ll look at ways that we can get more awake with our conversation today. Okay. All right, thank you for that. So how do we create a team culture of conscious conversation.

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debstell: The way that we do that.

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debstell: Loops.

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debstell: Is by modeling it and leading the way. Okay, so I want to acknowledge you for being here today.

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debstell: Because you being here to pick up some tools that you can take back into your culture is a great way to help promote

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debstell: A team culture of comp conscious conversation. Okay, by modeling it leading the way. So I acknowledge you for, for being here today. Thanks for doing that. Okay. All right. Now before we get any further into the

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debstell: Ingredients for conscious conversation. I wanted to pause and kind of take a detour.

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debstell: To the three phases of crisis because one of the things that we we talked about. We want to make this presentation or this workshop useful for you is put it in the context of the phases of crisis, and for the purpose of

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debstell: Our looking at this crisis. We’re gonna break it down to three categories. And this is actually drawn from

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debstell: The curve theory. It was adapted by one of my colleagues at think effect and the three phases of crisis.

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debstell: We have x chaos acceptance and the new normal. And it’s going to go over some characteristics of those with you so you can understand context of where we’re at. You probably know and what that means for for communication. Okay.

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debstell: So chaos. There’s the first phase of our crisis is the chaos. We all know what that looked like we’ve just been in it. Very recently, and

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debstell: It was a real time to be reactive. And by the way, if I you think I missed something on this like I am.

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debstell: Not claiming to have everything included here. So if you miss something. Go ahead and throw that in the chat if you think there’s an idea. You want to add so

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debstell: The self characteristics. When we’re in this chaos phase, confusion, the world’s been turned upside down. It’s hard to see beyond personal safety and well being.

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debstell: Adrenaline kicks in and we get this temporary energy was unleashed. We saw in our teams that people would do explicit actions. But they wouldn’t step outside of boundaries. Okay.

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debstell: Guilt was coming up in that phase. Like, am I doing enough, who can I compare myself to it’s really hard to know if you’re doing enough when you’re at home working behind a computer like this where you know I can’t see any of you. So I don’t know what you’re up to.

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debstell: So we saw that managers were tending to be over controlling in this phase, which was adding stress, both to the managers and to the direct reports.

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debstell: And the priorities of this phase work and physical safety emotional safety and financial safety. Hey, knowing that

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debstell: Is important. And we’ve just been through it and it was like, if you recall this electric undercurrent of stress caused by the uncertainty of what was happening, what was coming and

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debstell: You know, knowing that shapes the communication and the way we did. I think a lot of people did really well with that. And we’ve watched some organizations do better than others.

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debstell: Great example of an organization that did really well communicating to both inside their organization and to the public was actually

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debstell: gangland Western from the superstore and Shoppers Drug Mart. So his communications were were extraordinary and inspiring so great to pull examples from there. So,

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debstell: Our next phase will acceptance and so in the acceptance phase we found new ways of doing things. So the, the photo on the right is

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debstell: Taken from the internet. This 92 year old man was dying his wife’s hair because she can’t get it done anymore. We’re finding new ways of doing things.

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debstell: The photo on the left is actually a photo that was shared in my family chat of my niece cutting my nephew’s hair so you know that’s the we’ve gone from toilet paper means to

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debstell: Haircut means and we’re in this new phase of acceptance, where we’re finding new ways of doing things. So this acceptance phase, which

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debstell: We’re still in by the way is time to be proactive. We’re getting I’ve talked to several people in the last week or so, like,

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debstell: In the last few weeks after the after last two weeks writing frustration was the characteristics and is this a we’re in the long haul, rather than a couple of weeks. People are trying to figure out how to injure or to thrive. There’s lots of talk about

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debstell: What we want to accomplish coming through this. We’ve seen the energy crashes that initial adrenaline is gone. And we’re seeing some more guilt come in.

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debstell: Depression is setting in. For some people, and as leaders, it’s really important to be aware of that as you’re communicating that

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debstell: Your people who are sitting at home who might be putting on a happy face on zoom and everything seems okay they might be experiencing guilt and depression.

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debstell: And you want to just be sensitive to that some of the key team characteristics that you may be observing is that productivity has evaporated as people are seeking some sort of balance.

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debstell: We found in the first week. The first phase of the crisis, as we all started working from home, that there was two focuses the virus.

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debstell: And work and people were putting extended hours into work because we’re all figuring out how to do everything via zoom and video conference and and working remotely.

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debstell: What you’re probably seeing is a contrast between the fabulous and the non fabulous people and there may be some frustration for you as leaders.

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debstell: The limited amount of oversight, you’re able to do and finding new ways of doing things. So we want to be careful that your frustrations not coming out on your team.

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debstell: So our priorities on his face routines. Now people are either seeking routines are being encouraged to have her teens and so that’s my recommendation to everybody is to be focusing on setting some new routines.

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debstell: There’s an opportunity here to if we can adapt quickly so we can working settled back into our way of being and people have started to call this the new normal. And I’m going to say for the purpose of how I’m coming at it.

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debstell: I don’t think we’re in the new normal. Yet, or at least not entirely. We’ve got one foot in each camp of acceptance versus new normal because new normal isn’t going to happen until we’re out of isolation as far as I’m concerned.

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debstell: And so that’s the point that I’m coming out. So routines are important for you to keep in mind leaders set you’re wanting to encourage routines.

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debstell: Personal routines, as well as professional routines to support your people.

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debstell: And then the new normal. We don’t know what it is yet we don’t know what it’s going to be

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debstell: And it’s going to be a time to be innovative that much we know. And some of that’s already starting to happen.

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debstell: In some of the industries that I work with, and some of the people I’m working with. They’re saying, Wow, we’re doing it this new way that we never thought of before. And we’re going to take that forward, there is

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debstell: This one woman that I was coaching. I was speaking with last week and she’s a partner in an investment firm and she’s like, I’ve just discovered that I can work from home.

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debstell: At least one day a week and I get more done. And so I’m going to do that. So we’re finding ways to to do our work differently already. So that’s why I said we have one foot and acceptance and one foot in the new normal.

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debstell: And but when we actually move back into the new normal whenever that might be

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debstell: Some things to be aware of as leaders in terms of when you’re communicating. There’s going to be some of your people who are struggling to get back to the routines of

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debstell: Back and I think back to the teens are not going to be the same. It’s going to suddenly feel really busy for you and for your, your team members and your employees and staff.

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debstell: And so it’s going to bring a different kind of stress is really important to be alert to that as we’re communicating

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debstell: And then some possible team characteristics. If you had to landing one off from your team.

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debstell: You might find that your team is depleted and they’re going to feel under resourced if they have less people we might see some new organization of teams. Some consolidations and new teams created and we might see there’s some new staff.

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debstell: Last off there might be a sense that loyalty to employees drops. So we’ve seen a lot of companies. Step Ups and really take care of people. We’re going to take care of people.

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debstell: And there might be some fear that comes out of when we get back to them, get into the new normal not back to the new normal into the new normal. There might be some

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debstell: Anxiety from your employees that the loyalty to them is going to drop in their concern is going to be for the bottom line for the company. So just being alert to that we’re communicating super important.

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debstell: And this is something to communicate to your team members is like, this is the time to be innovative. This is the time to show yourself to be

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debstell: valuable to the company in new ways. Okay, so I’m going to circle back to

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debstell: These phases of the crisis at the end of this workshop when we take everything that we’ve learned to kind of put it in that context of the, the, how to communicate in those three phase of the crisis.

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debstell: And by the way, this is not linear. You can get bounced back and forth in any of these phases of crisis.

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debstell: Sometimes if somebody in your family contracts the virus and gets ill that can bump you right back into the chaos phase. Okay. So keeping in mind that it’s not linear. And again, priorities for the new normal phase.

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debstell: There’s opportunities here.

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debstell: For

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debstell: growth and change in your company and in your communications. Alright, so this is a moment, I want to pause and give you a moment if there’s if you would share with me any insights you’ve had so far. Just pop those in the chat. And while you do that.

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debstell: I’m going to get into the four ingredients of conscious conversations

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debstell: Going to pull up the chat, because I want to make sure there was no questions about anything there. Okay.

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debstell: All right, conscious conversation ingredients. Number one,

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debstell: You’ve probably heard this before. What’s the most important ingredient to having a good conversation. It is

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Listening. Okay, so

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debstell: Yeah. Yes. Thanks Kate.

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debstell: Use conversation versus chat terminology is definitely a key.

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debstell: So, whoops, going back. Let’s go back so conscious conversation. Our first ingredient that’s really important for conference conscious conversation.

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debstell: Is that we have true listening and I didn’t put just listening and put true listening intentional intentionally I’m always very intentional about the language. I use

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debstell: Not that I get it right all the time. I’m human, too. But it’s so important to be really conscious of the language we’re using and really intentional and deliberate about the language you’re using. So

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debstell: quick quiz, because I know you’ve heard that before that listening is the most important part of any good communication. So Shannon, this is time for the poll. I want to see how many levels of listening are there.

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debstell: Shannon, once you’ve got the we’ll just wait for Shannon to get the results for us.

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debstell: Right, okay so well here’s the thing is, the majority of people said there were three levels of listening. And I want to start by saying first of all you are all correct

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debstell: And depends on where you look how many levels of listening. There are, but I like to work with three

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debstell: The three levels of listening because it’s easier for us to hold less things in her mind than to hold many if you walk away. Oh, am I listening at level one or level five right now and it’s a little bit harder to do so.

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debstell: We’re going to work with the idea. There’s three levels of listening because if I gave you six

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debstell: You will not remember this afternoon. What all six of them are Where’s I give you three. I know you’re going to remember. And that’s the important thing. And over 50% of you already know that. So that’s fantastic.

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debstell: Let’s see if you can see what they are. So we’ve got three levels of listening internal listening focus listening and global listening.

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debstell: Okay, and

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debstell: Can you share. Okay, so question here. Can you share any someone asked me, can I share any insight on language tips to help avoid planting seeds of negativity around the unknown.

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debstell: Example, some staff might be nervous about uncertainty that comes with statements such as new normal. Absolutely. And

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debstell: If give me a moment. I’m going to come to that. So thank you for that question. And we will come back to that question. So hold that. So three levels of listening.

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debstell: Internal listening focus listening and global listening characteristics of level one listening.

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debstell: Internal listening is listening to your own voice is that ignoring listening is what you’re doing, you’re in class and I hope you’re not doing level one listening right now, pretending to listen or selective listening.

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debstell: Level to listening is the code we want we want level two and level three. Those are our goals. So focus Listening, Listening with curiosity.

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debstell: Reflect reflecting what you hear and the best way to know that you’re in level two. Listening is by simply asking questions. Okay. And I want to make sure you know this like being a good listener is not about being a good person.

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debstell: Because some people seem to be better listeners. It’s a skill that you can develop and I wanted to make sure I left you with that today that the skill of

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debstell: level two and level three listening can be developed by simply asking questions coming from a place of curiosity.

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debstell: And it’s hard. It’s a hard thing to do because we get caught up in our own story of the event or the experience. And so sometimes we forget to ask questions, because we’re too busy processing our own version of what’s happening. So, level three listening.

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debstell: Listening to others in the context of their entire surroundings. So being aware and the question that came through a moment ago. Like, how can we be sensitive language and, and

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debstell: Is an indication that that person who asked the question is listening at a level three and global listening, understanding the context of the entire surrounding

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debstell: Now we’re in an interesting situation right now because probably for the first the first time in our lives. First time ever.

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debstell: We are all experiencing the same event, the whole world is experiencing this event. Now it’s not to say we’re experiencing it the same way.

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debstell: Because we’re going to be in different phases of the crisis chaos acceptance new normal at different times depending on how much media we’re consuming

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debstell: What’s going on with our family and friends and people close to us. There’s going to be a lot of different factors, but essentially we’re all having the same experience.

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debstell: So it’s going to be so much easier to practice and experience that global listening of understanding context of

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debstell: The entire surroundings of the other person than ever before. So now’s a good time to be kind of a alert to that. So you can bring it with you into what we’re going to call the new normal. Right.

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debstell: So it’s empathetic listening. It’s deep listening with a suspension of judgment, a suspension of all assumption and a willingness to receive new information whether it’s pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral.

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debstell: So I have a listening challenge for you. And normally I would do this listening activity if we were all in the same room. It’d be a lot easier to do this where we would practice the listening at the level two and level three.

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debstell: But since we can’t do that. I’m going to ask you to commit to a challenge. And here it is. I want you to commit to practicing level two and level three listening today after the workshop

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debstell: If you agree, think of a person, you will practice with maybe it’s your boss. Maybe it’s your kid. Maybe it’s your spouse.

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debstell: And once you have that person in mind. Can you pop a star on the screen for me.

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Thank you.

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debstell: So important that we do this because even

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debstell: I listened to people for a living. Okay, so I know I’m talking a lot today. But I’m a coach, and so I spend a lot of my time listening to people and making sure I’m in level two level three listening.

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debstell: And really holding that space, and yet we can all default to level one listening I caught myself doing it. Just the other day when my husband was telling me something. And I was like,

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debstell: All thinking about something else we tend to do it. Most with the people closest to us. So that’s a challenge for him. Maybe is to to practice with somebody who’s quite close to you because we tend to fall into level one, you know, pretending to listen.

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debstell: And do something because bad people were just like, that’s how our brains are working, it’s not efficient to be listening level two and level three all the time. It’s taking a lot of effort from us to be listening at that level. Okay.

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debstell: Alright, so that’s fantastic. I just wanna acknowledge all of you for your willingness to commit to that and practicing that

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debstell: Right, so let’s get to the gradient number two values based communication.

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debstell: So in the

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debstell: Values based communication is important because, well, first of all, let’s talk about what values are. Okay.

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debstell: There the principles are standards of behavior one’s judgment of what’s important in life and Renee Brown describes it this way and value is a way of being are believing that we hold most important. Now this is going to be really important for you.

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debstell: And the people you’re dealing with because our values, the values that here’s the value of values based communication. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself the puns. So

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debstell: We’re reminded that there is no right or wrong. They’re only different opinions and experiences. This means you are trying to convince anyone or when the conversation.

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debstell: And when we come from values based communication, we’re understanding our values were understand the eyes of the other person.

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debstell: We’re going to be coming from a place of curiosity and acceptance of other people’s views. This is so so vital and so we’re going to do an exercise today with values and I sent you a worksheet on that.

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debstell: So there’s three steps for values based communication. Step one is to know your values. Step two is to know your organization’s values and make sure your team knows them two

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debstell: And step three is to invest the time to know the core values of each member of your team.

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debstell: And I know you’re probably going, Oh, that sounds like a lot of work. It’s not, we’re going to spend a little time right now with yours and doing an exercise. It’s going to help you with knowing your values and you can take this exercise back to your team.

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debstell: So, ready to play. This is the part you agreed to before that you’re willing to play.

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debstell: In the email that you were sent Shannon sending out to yesterday I gave you

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debstell: A values checklist Sean can you share. It’s just clear the annotations off the screen. Thank you. So I gave you a list of values in the handouts that I gave you yesterday and the email as part of the worksheet and if you

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debstell: Are the type of student who likes to do pre work, you will have already done this, if, if not going to give you a little bit of time right now.

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debstell: To to go through and just

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debstell: I’m sure most of you because you’ve been in business, you’ve experienced other leadership training and workshops, you’ve gone through this value values exercise.

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debstell: I just asked you to play with me because I think this is you’re going to find that this one’s a little bit different than anything you’ve experienced before.

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debstell: So just take a few minutes to

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debstell: Circle.

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debstell: The values that you hold important to you now. And one fellow, I did this with recently in a circle. Every single thing. Oh, just so someone pointed out, and but they didn’t make the list.

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debstell: I will add him. But the next time around. And that’s why I asked him anything, anything not on here that you think should be here.

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debstell: I mean this list is like it’s organic is growing right this is the thing with language. You can get them all.

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debstell: So. Wow. Cool. Somebody so circling on the screen. And we can actually see that you’re doing that. So that’s pretty cool.

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debstell: But you may not necessarily want to do that or you can go ahead. We know who you are. And so go ahead and circle or mark them for yourself and Klay

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debstell: Identify what those values are, again, I’ve had some people circle everything. It doesn’t make you a bad person. If you don’t choose some things. Okay, we’re just talking about the ones that are just they guide you

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debstell: They, they drive you in your day to day actions and your decisions and even in your communications.

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debstell: And generally, you might have

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debstell: 10 to 12 I know you probably have you guys ever had that people said, Oh, pick your seven values.

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debstell: I’m not a fan of saying you have to have a certain number like that. Um, and that being said, I’m going to

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debstell: Trick you in a second. Okay.

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debstell: Gonna give you another few seconds to do that.

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debstell: And even if you haven’t quite finished the next phase of this, you’ll still be able to do it.

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Okay.

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debstell: Another 10 seconds. So then we’re gonna move on.

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debstell: All right, we’re gonna keep playing with this and we’re going to go to the next part of this exercise is to take those key values that you identified and we’re going to actually boil them down and I know I said I wasn’t a fan of saying you have to have seven values or five values.

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debstell: What I am a fan is as you identifying your top two. So, for the same reason as I said with the listening. There’s you can break those all down to multiple levels.

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debstell: But most people can’t hold more than two or three ideas at one time. And so for me to walk around going, I had 10 values and to walk around making sure I’m living those all the time. And then I’m communicating

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debstell: To other someone else’s 10 values is really complicated. Whereas if we narrow them down to our top to we can boil them down. So that’s what I want you to do right now.

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debstell: I want you to identify your top two values and I want your write them in the chat with a brief description of how each value shows up in your behavior.

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debstell: And you’ll notice, don’t feel bad if you’re saying that, you know, family isn’t one of your one of your values and you don’t choose as one of your top two because chances are,

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debstell: It falls underneath one of those top two. I like to look at the top two values as our umbrella values. I’ll give you an example.

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debstell: So my top two values. My top core values are learning and connection and the examples of ways that that shows up in my life is for learning.

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debstell: I’m always reading and taking courses for connection I spend time nurturing relationships in all areas of my life work friends, as I said already family so family is a strong core value of mine, but it’s not my main one connections, more important and it falls under connection. Okay.

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debstell: So take a moment. Once you’ve got your top to

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debstell: Open up the chat. Here’s what I really need you to play with me, guys, you promised you would play

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debstell: So give me your top two values.

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debstell: In the chat.

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debstell: And if you can think of an example of how that shows up in behavior, add that as well.

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Awesome.

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debstell: So, Joseph shared that empathy is one of his top values. He tries to put himself in the shoes of others if they have shoes and follow up obsessed with never giving up. Okay.

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debstell: Chasing ensuring nothing gets lost. Amazing.

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debstell: Haha. See, Joseph just added three and four. It’s really tempting to do that. And it’s okay to come to play with this for a while. I mean, we’re obviously doing it and they’re kind of

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debstell: time constraint and you might want to sit with it for a bit and go out, actually.

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debstell: Right. And if you don’t have to give up fun and optimism Joseph to say that empathy and follow up. Are your key values because empathy.

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debstell: You know, the others may fall under that. Okay, so from Darren. We’ve in Oregon. We’ve got inclusion. He tried to learn about other circumstances and giving back. Okay.

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Yeah. Nice.

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debstell: Don’t overthink it.

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debstell: So from Kate understanding always looking to learn more about her world awesome harmony.

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debstell: From Anna keeping things balanced commitments sticking through to the end.

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debstell: Family so Janine says family and financial stability.

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debstell: Connections and accountability or from a bond.

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debstell: Courage. So being vulnerable living with my whole heart.

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debstell: Theresa has met Renee Brown to awesome okay wholehearted wholehearted living. Yeah.

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debstell: I’m just going to continue to pop them in there and

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debstell: As you’ll see,

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debstell: We have as many different takes on values as the people who put them in there and everybody comes out things with slightly different point of view. So you can see if if

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debstell: Risk taking is one of my top two values. I’m a risk taker. So say my talk to our creativity.

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debstell: And Patty says creativity and yeah courage to be vulnerable creativity encouraging solutions that come unexpected or or unconventional way.

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debstell: So, and then some people are communicating with me privately and I don’t know if you know you’re doing that. So it’s okay to switch over. You can do a drop down and switch to the public. Okay.

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debstell: And creativity. So if creativity and risk taking, are my top two values and I come up with a going to conversation with somebody who’s taught to values, our

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debstell: financial security and stability and we’re, we’re trying to grow something or work on a project together in a company

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debstell: Whether they’re a client or a team member, you can see how that would cause conflict, right. We’ve got yeah Joseph oil and water right financial stability risk taker and you put those two together.

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debstell: But knowing that so and if you know that about the other person. You can you’ll won’t take it so personally

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debstell: Because that person maybe he’s the CFO or she’s the CFO and they’re always kind of turned about cutting corners with the costs and cutting costs and you’re going to like, be creative and they keep shutting you down.

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debstell: And you might take that personally think well this is about. They don’t believe in me and they don’t like my ideas when really they’re just trying to come from their own place about of values. And so knowing that

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debstell: About your team members and taking this exercise back and doing with them and talking amongst the team about what that looks like and what that means to them.

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debstell: It’s so helpful. So there is a conflict, you can say, oh, this is why I’m annoyed with that person they’re stepping on my values. And if we know that this we can go to them and say, then we can get to the tough conversation part and actually talk about it. Okay.

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debstell: Yeah. Awesome. Thanks for playing guys and I hope you’ll take this back and do with your team.

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debstell: Yeah, your top values.

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debstell: Top values may also change slightly right now. I’m not sure that they will be made manifest in different behaviors, but our values don’t usually change our values are

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debstell: Kind of fix what’s important to us in terms of where our focus is and how we behave around them are the same are certain may change, but our values are going to be the same. So for me, connection was a top value and I am

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debstell: You know I ramped up my need for connection right now. So for someone who financial stability is their top value.

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debstell: They may have been experiencing even more stress right now because that is their core value. Does that make sense. Okay. So yeah, keep in mind that the behavior might change around it, but the value usually is the same, and even something like, you know, a top value of connection.

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debstell: It might manifest in somebody else’s behavior might actually

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debstell: Result in me behaving differently from that value, but it’s still a value hope that makes sense. Okay.

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debstell: Alright, so I’m not sure why this slide is here again. So we’re going to slip right past it so key insights so far from this exercise.

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debstell: And well, see I coach and teach around insights. So I want to make sure you have insights, the insights, change the way we see the world. And so I want you to take a moment to just tune in. What is your insight around doing that exercise for yourself.

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debstell: Or taking it about your team what it might mean

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debstell: While you’re doing that, I want to go back and answer that question.

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debstell: That was asked in the first place.

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debstell: Patty asked, Can I share any insight on language tips to help avoid planting seeds of negativity around the unknown. For example, some staff might be nervous about uncertainty that comes with statements that just new normal.

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debstell: Again it comes down to just having honest conversations right and being transparent so having the tough conversations and being courageous. So we’re going to get into the next.

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debstell: Element of conscious conversation. I think coming up next is courage and so that gets us there is that

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debstell: Being courageous and speaking the truth and just saying, Look, I don’t know what’s going to happen.

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debstell: And I’m in this with you. So letting them know that you’re in it with them and that when you have any information to share about what the new normal is going to look like.

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debstell: That you will share it. You’re not going to withhold information from them and no matter what it looks like you’re there with them, and you’re going to walk it walk through this with them. Okay. And that might mean supporting them in

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debstell: A transition that means your company’s downsizing. That might mean supporting them in that transition because there are ways that we can have those conversations and support people when they’re excellent or organizations that will reduce the the

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debstell: The impact of it, but again just like being honest and being there with them is I think the best way I could answer that.

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Okay.

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debstell: All right.

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debstell: So,

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debstell: Number three, courage, give you a spoiler alert on that one. Why courage. Well, let’s begin with what it is, is the ability to control your fear in dangerous or difficult situations.

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debstell: It’s a willingness to show up and be seen even when we can’t control the outcome. And this goes back to what I said a moment ago.

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debstell: In response to that question is being willing to be show up and be seen even when you can’t control the outcome. You don’t know what the outcome is going to be none of us do.

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debstell: Have this crisis of what’s going to look like in our organizations. When we return to offices. If we returned offices. Okay. And so the willingness to show up and be seen and just say none of us can control the outcome and just being honest about that so

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debstell: As I mentioned at the beginning of this presentation I’m trained by the dirty LEAD program and the

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debstell: Research question that Renee Brown asked when she was doing her dare to lead research her leadership research was this

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debstell: What, if anything about the way people are leading today needs to change in order for leaders to be successful in a complex rapidly changing environment where we’re faced with seemingly intractable challenges and an insatiable demand for innovation.

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debstell: This was actually written several years ago, but it’s so so relevant to the moment in time, we find ourselves in. And the answer, the answer from leaders was we need to braver leaders and more courageous cultures.

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debstell: Now the number one reason we avoid tough conversations

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It’s fear.

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debstell: So what are we afraid of

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debstell: Being impolite fear of not seeming nice fear of rejection even fear of death. I know I just caught your attention. For those of you who are in in Level one listening are now listening.

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debstell: Even fear of death and hear me out. You’ve all heard the statistics of

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debstell: Public speaking and how people fear public speaking more than death. And the reason for that is that we historically

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debstell: The primal part of our brain. If we were to speak out, we might get kicked out of our tribe and we get kicked out of our tribe. Then we die.

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debstell: Our brain is an interesting thing, because our brains job is to keep us safe and alive.

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debstell: And if the way we’ve been doing things is keeping us safe and alive. Our brain doesn’t want to do anything differently. Okay, so this is when we have these tough conversations we confront people and we have invite them to an

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debstell: Intense conversation, even when we’re the ones who are leaders and we’re in control and we’re on the you know the in the higher chair on that side of the desk. We can still have, you know, sweaty palms and pits and racing heart because

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debstell: There’s potential for conflict and. Now some of you may know what I’m talking about. Some of you may go well what is she talking about

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debstell: But it happens for some people, and it’s good for you to know that that might be happening to the person you’re speaking to that they’re having fear of speaking up as well. Okay, so I want to be alert to that.

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debstell: So to overcome our fear. What we do is we engineer safety.

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debstell: By being nice and polite and avoiding tough conversations, including giving productive honest feedback.

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debstell: So our rule of thumb, and this is from from Renee Brown.

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debstell: Is it clear, is kind unclear is unkind to go back to I think it was Patty us that question, how do you

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debstell: Avoid planting seeds of negativity clear is kind unclear is unkind. So always being clear and transparent is the best way to do that.

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debstell: Just letting them know you’re in it with them.

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debstell: So self assessment.

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debstell: I’m not going to ask you to do this one publicly, you’ll notice on that page of your workbook, there’s a moment for you to there’s a place for you to answer that question. Where would you rate yourself.

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debstell: On a scale of one to 10 in terms of your comfort with sharing honest feedback.

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debstell: So I have a question that is that so I believe courage is a skill which can be developed an improved and not an attribute or a character trait.

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debstell: Yeah, the answer is yes, I do believe it’s something that you can work on and you can work on it by deconstructing the stories so courage traditionally is seen as an attribute or a character trait. You either have it or you don’t have it. And so

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debstell: As a result, there’s a life event. Well, I’m just not courageous, so I’m not gonna do anything.

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debstell: Right. Or I’m just not courageous. I’m not going to have a conversation. And the way we gain courage, I believe, is by actually having the tough conversations to put ourselves in the uncomfortable situations.

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debstell: So those people who have high levels of courage. According to the research of Dr. Brown is that the

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debstell: They believe that it was it was a trait that they just had, and they look for people who already have these character traits and they tend to be

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debstell: A certain type of person. So if you’ve had a background in, you know, sports and trying out for things and your parents encouraged you to

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debstell: Try new things and have a growth mindset of like it didn’t matter if it didn’t work out that failure was okay and you came from that perspective, you will have strengthened your character muscle your courage muscle. Whereas if you

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debstell: If you

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debstell: Sorry, I got distracted by the chat. That’s the problem with this this format. Right. So the thing is if you strengthen your courage muscle by having these experiences. That’s why it’s a skill. Okay, does that make sense. Okay, and

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debstell: Another question was did I answer the questions about the most essential ingredients for conscious conversations. Yep, I’m getting there. So we’ve got

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debstell: We’re working through them. There’s we’re getting there. So the most essential ingredient for conscious conversations is courage. Okay. Without that

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debstell: None of the rest of this matters because you can apply it unless you’ve got the courage to do so.

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debstell: So writing yourself. How good are you at giving difficult information or sharing honest feedback and write yourself a mobile one to 10 and it’s okay.

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debstell: This is like where you are right now. It doesn’t mean you’re stuck there, you can get better sometimes are better than others. Maybe you’re better at doing it with certain people than other people.

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debstell: And looking at, like, what’s going on there because there’s all these different factors that we have

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debstell: That shape how we interact with people, right, is you might have a difficult time giving feedback to somebody who

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debstell: You’re they’re super senior on the team and get you have a hard time giving them feedback and it could be. They remind you of your stepfather who scares you. Right. Like, you don’t know, there’s all these different pieces so

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debstell: Don’t judge yourself just give an assessment of where you are and where you want to be okay.

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debstell: So,

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debstell: For sake of time I’m going to ask you to do this as homework later. But I’m also going to give you a moment to think about it and reflect on this. What is one way you might be engineering safety in your workplace.

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debstell: Are you a team leader who’s avoiding a conversation with a team member who may be as bringing negativity and toxicity to team meetings.

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debstell: That could be one way

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debstell: Right. I’ve been in organizations where there’s somebody who’s like was clearly incompetent and really needed to be let go and the leader was too afraid to have that conversation. And so it kind of poisons the rest of the culture.

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debstell: You know, so there’s those things that could be happening.

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debstell: So what’s one way that you might be engineering safety in your workplace. Maybe it’s avoiding a conversation. It’s avoiding a person

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debstell: And is there some one you could be more kind to by being more clear.

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debstell: really encourage you to take some time after this workshop today to reflect on that, if we were together. I would give you the time now, but I want to make sure that we we wrap up in the time that we said we would

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debstell: So any insights so far that you had that you want to share

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debstell: We’ve covered courage, the essential ingredients of

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debstell: Listening values this communication encouraged, those are our three ingredients. So far, we’ve got one more to go.

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debstell: Okay, and keep popping questions in the chat if you want

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debstell: Awesome so conscious conversations Ingredient number four trust.

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debstell: We’re gonna break this down. So in your workbook. I gave you a chart looks like this. And you can go ahead and fill in the in the column on the left hand side.

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debstell: Each box gets its word and we’re going to do an exercise with this. I just thought it would be better than having you write the words out twice so

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debstell: You can go ahead and start filling those in with the seven elements of of trust. This is key for designing and redesigning relationships like I talked about the beginning

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debstell: So the first one in your first box is boundaries and burn a brown describes boundaries as what’s okay and what’s not okay best definition for boundaries. I’ve ever heard.

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debstell: And suppose that I don’t, I’m not very good at setting boundaries, like, all you have to do is ask yourself what’s okay and what’s not okay.

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debstell: So in an organization, what’s not okay is that you come in late

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debstell: Right. And so if you don’t let a new

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debstell: A new team member when they come on to the team know what’s okay what’s not okay. How are they supposed to know. So we do this all the time are always designer relationships. Again, we’re doing either intentionally or unintentionally, but we’re usually but we’re doing it.

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debstell: Some of the ways we do it unintentionally like by not speaking about what we expect. So reliability is our next one you do what you say you’ll do

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debstell: Again, accountability, you own your mistakes apologize and make amends.

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debstell: Often people confuse accountability and reliability, say, Oh, I’m who’s accountable for this task. It’s really like and

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debstell: Again, it’s semantics. But for the sake of this, we’re going to separate those ideas, the reliability is knowing that that person is going to actually do that thing. Okay.

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debstell: And accountability. Own your mistakes apologize make amends. And next one, the vaults. You don’t share information experiences are not yours to share this is so so key to establishing trust in a relationship.

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debstell: And on a team.

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debstell: Choosing. And when somebody else does it actually making sure that they you tell them. We don’t do that here.

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debstell: Integrity. She’s encouraged over comfort, which is exactly what I was just talking about. It’s like telling someone else that actually we don’t do that or we talked about someone else. You got a problem with that person go talk to them.

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debstell: Okay, so she’s encouraged over comfort and practicing your values, coming from a place of honest intentions.

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debstell: Non judgment, we asked for what we need and talk about how we feel without judgment.

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debstell: And generosity extending the most generous interpretation to intentions words and actions of others.

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debstell: As I’m sorry I tapping my my microphone.

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debstell: Generosity is so key here to come from that place of being truly curious that we may not have all the information so we tend to

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debstell: Because we’re human

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debstell: React and blame other people

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debstell: When something goes wrong. We see it. We’re seeing it happening out in the world right now people are upset about what’s going on with the prices and they’re blaming politicians and they’re blaming people and they’re coming up with conspiracy theories and

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debstell: It’s actually just eroding culture on the bigger scale, right. So if coming from a place of the most generous interpretation interpretation of intentions words and actions of others will help to establish and build trust. Okay.

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debstell: So there’s two categories, you’ve noticed when you look at these one is setting clear expectations and the categories of trust and the other is creating psychological safety. So for setting clear expectations its boundaries reliability accountability.

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debstell: So making sure your team knows what expectations look like. Want to make sure we touch on all three of these points of the elements of trust.

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debstell: Now in communicating and clarifying expectations. There’s one amazing question. What’s the best question ever for communicating expectations and this is from Bernie brown to what does done look like

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debstell: It can be a question you give your team to ask you a question you asked your team when you give them instructions and they’re like, yep, yep, sure. Got it. I’ll do that by Friday and right okay what is done look like making sure that you’re all on the same page.

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debstell: Amazing. Alright. So trust is the other part is creating psychological safety as the other for the vault integrity non judgment and generosity. We’re going to do an exercise now with this and want you to play along with me. We’re almost done.

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debstell: I want you to think of a colleague, maybe you think of your spouse. I don’t know. Um, but we’re we’re work we’re work focused on this today. So think of a colleague, with whom you would like to have a better communication.

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debstell: got somebody

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debstell: Choose one of the elements of trust and write two examples of behaviors that you could work on and behaviors. You want to see from them.

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debstell: And if you’re already have a strong trust with a particular element indicate the behaviors that contribute to that strength.

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debstell: Now obviously if we’re sitting together in a room, we take the time to do this, I’m going to trust that you’re going to do this on your own. You can also take this back and do this with your team so that

427
01:09:40.710 –> 01:09:47.070
debstell: You have a common shared language for what these behaviors look like

428
01:09:48.840 –> 01:09:50.700
debstell: So once you have that

429
01:09:52.290 –> 01:09:59.910
debstell: And you’ve chosen which element of trust, you’re gonna use. I’m going to work with boundaries because of the top. So if you want to work with another one that’s fine.

430
01:10:00.180 –> 01:10:08.160
debstell: But I’m going to recommend we work with boundaries so they’re all kind of doing the same. And what I’d like you to do is take a moment.

431
01:10:09.360 –> 01:10:19.200
debstell: To write down you can choose one of these columns, either. I’d like you to start with yourself, because I think it’s so important that we start with ourselves, what does it look like for you.

432
01:10:20.400 –> 01:10:27.270
debstell: When you’re keeping boundaries. Right. You’re increasing trust with a colleague in terms of keeping boundaries.

433
01:10:28.950 –> 01:10:33.180
debstell: So for me, when I talk about

434
01:10:35.520 –> 01:10:44.610
debstell: Boundaries is stating expectations clearly and taking the time to design the relationship

435
01:10:45.720 –> 01:10:47.940
debstell: Those are behaviors for me that

436
01:10:49.740 –> 01:10:50.400
debstell: Are key.

437
01:10:52.050 –> 01:11:03.900
debstell: For making sure boundaries. So I’m looking at a colleague and I’m, I’m asking them that I behaviors that they that I want to see more from them. I might say,

438
01:11:05.220 –> 01:11:07.050
debstell: I want to know that.

439
01:11:09.810 –> 01:11:18.540
debstell: You will show up to work on time, because it’s not okay when you come in late. I’m just using that example because it came to mind. Okay, and

440
01:11:19.680 –> 01:11:31.560
debstell: Another example of a boundary would be to not let’s talk about the, you know, certain certain things you don’t want to talk about with them right boundaries. It’s overstepping a boundary

441
01:11:31.980 –> 01:11:46.920
debstell: Of yours, it’s not okay to make off color jokes somebody that’s a boundary for you. And that’s a behavior you want to address with this colleague going you know what you might think those are funny. It’s not funny to me right and then for each

442
01:11:49.230 –> 01:11:57.600
debstell: Of the elements where you can improve and each of the places where the colleague of yours that you’re thinking of might improve

443
01:11:58.050 –> 01:12:13.110
debstell: Already, what are those behaviors that you might have. So you can help me out by just giving me some examples of what that would look like for you in terms of behaviors. So pick one of them and

444
01:12:14.190 –> 01:12:21.660
debstell: Any one of the seven elements and Chuck share in the chat one or two behaviors of what that would look like in action.

445
01:12:33.420 –> 01:12:34.740
debstell: camera shy but chair today.

446
01:12:42.030 –> 01:12:43.080
debstell: My teacher glasses on.

447
01:12:44.490 –> 01:12:45.750
debstell: So this is

448
01:12:46.890 –> 01:12:48.750
debstell: What my daughter calls my teacher look

449
01:12:51.180 –> 01:12:52.170
Just kidding. So

450
01:12:55.440 –> 01:13:00.780
debstell: Boundaries. Ah, keep ours for replying for emails. Awesome.

451
01:13:02.790 –> 01:13:03.420
Thanks Kate.

452
01:13:11.160 –> 01:13:14.010
debstell: Because I know this isn’t easy, but it’s important

453
01:13:15.570 –> 01:13:22.110
debstell: If we don’t take the time to articulate what the behaviors look like for each of these things.

454
01:13:23.940 –> 01:13:27.480
debstell: Then how can we communicate them effectively the bizarre expectations.

455
01:13:29.370 –> 01:13:40.140
debstell: And it might be something you want to hash out with your teams. Right. The you know obviously in the vault is pretty obvious that we don’t talk about things that are not ours to talk about

456
01:13:41.280 –> 01:13:46.980
debstell: And it could be that something you want to work on it could be something you want a team member to to work on her colleague

457
01:13:54.840 –> 01:13:55.920
debstell: Okay, well I’m gonna move on.

458
01:14:00.180 –> 01:14:07.410
debstell: Feel free to share any insights you had so far. I want to move on and make sure I give you the formula for tough conversations

459
01:14:09.240 –> 01:14:18.300
debstell: So remember, clear as kind unclear is unkind of wedding tough conversations in the name of being nice or polite is unkind.

460
01:14:20.160 –> 01:14:21.390
debstell: So our results.

461
01:14:22.560 –> 01:14:24.600
debstell: The results of avoiding tough conversations

462
01:14:26.880 –> 01:14:32.460
debstell: Is that it diminishes us and engagement, it increases problematic behavior.

463
01:14:34.170 –> 01:14:38.040
debstell: It decreases performance due to lack of clarity and shared purpose.

464
01:14:40.140 –> 01:14:41.430
debstell: And then here’s the formula.

465
01:14:43.530 –> 01:14:52.110
debstell: Got this I believe I gave this to you in your worksheets. I want to number one plan, what you’re going to say. So it’s so important to take the time to script this when you’re

466
01:14:52.890 –> 01:15:02.820
debstell: Even if you’re good at having tough conversations. It’s still valuable for you to script it because you never really know what’s coming out of your mouth until it comes out, none of us can predict the future. So if we don’t plan it

467
01:15:03.300 –> 01:15:10.320
debstell: Random stuff can come out. Wow, so plan, what you’re going to say schedule the conversation.

468
01:15:11.040 –> 01:15:16.470
debstell: And ask permission. Now, those two are important scheduling the conversation and asking permission are important.

469
01:15:16.710 –> 01:15:30.990
debstell: Because we don’t want to blindside somebody with a conversation we’re about to hear something, it might be difficult to hear without letting them know it’s about to happen so want to make sure that both parties are aware that a conscious conversation is about to occur.

470
01:15:32.190 –> 01:15:37.920
debstell: Okay, number four we’re going to state the facts in 20 seconds or less. Okay.

471
01:15:38.850 –> 01:15:44.700
debstell: Taking time to make sure you’re clear on the facts. This is why I wanted you to write it out in the first place because we don’t write it out, you’re going to be rambling.

472
01:15:45.210 –> 01:15:53.520
debstell: So take the time to make sure you’re clear on the facts and you’re leaving assumptions and judgments outside of the conversation. It’s vital to hell. Well, the conversation is going to go.

473
01:15:54.300 –> 01:16:03.420
debstell: And when we bring blame and judgment to a conversation. We also invite defensiveness, and nothing is going to turn a conversation or a relationship toxic faster.

474
01:16:05.070 –> 01:16:17.970
debstell: So once you’ve stated the facts, you’re going to state your feelings and you’re going to state your feelings from a calm clear headed place again refer to number one plan, what you’re going to say.

475
01:16:18.930 –> 01:16:35.070
debstell: It’s so much easier to keep it short and concise. If you plan it. And the example would be, I felt very uncomfortable when you did that, it was like we’re suddenly rivals instead of on the same team. Oh, and this is referring to another worksheet. I have where the

476
01:16:37.020 –> 01:16:49.770
debstell: The person is talking to someone else, because they actually did something in a board meeting that wasn’t expected. So the player one in the board meeting presented information that the two had agreed they weren’t both going they weren’t going to present yet.

477
01:16:51.330 –> 01:16:51.750
debstell: So,

478
01:16:53.220 –> 01:17:01.800
debstell: After you’ve stated your feelings. You’re going to suggest a resolution or make a request, I’m always a fan of making a request over suggesting a resolution.

479
01:17:02.280 –> 01:17:13.320
debstell: Depending on who you’re dealing with because some people might feel like you’re telling them what to do. So making a request, sometimes works better. Again, you’ll have to make a judgment depend, depending on what the relationship is there.

480
01:17:14.790 –> 01:17:22.950
debstell: So, suggesting a resolution, you need to be abundantly clear what will resolve the situation reminder Clara’s kind and, for example,

481
01:17:23.310 –> 01:17:39.450
debstell: I wanted to share this with you so that you understand my perspective. My request is that we agree to not speak about something in a board meeting we stick to it. If you disagree with me. Let’s talk it through before hand. So we can go into the meeting and united, what are your thoughts.

482
01:17:41.460 –> 01:17:52.620
debstell: So there’s your formula for the tough conversation. Stick to the plan. And remember that clear is kind of what they started with that the beginning and end. Okay.

483
01:17:55.890 –> 01:17:58.350
debstell: So I want to bring that all back.

484
01:17:59.700 –> 01:18:05.040
debstell: And before I move on, if there’s any questions or insights you want to go ahead and throw this in the chat. That’s great.

485
01:18:06.300 –> 01:18:18.480
debstell: Okay. Well, let me know. So bring it all back to the current crisis and any crisis that you might find yourself in because regardless. Like we happen to be in this one.

486
01:18:19.680 –> 01:18:32.970
debstell: But the phases of crisis are the same, regardless of the crisis, it could be something that happens in your company after this is all over. Okay, we can get kicked back into the chaos face quite possible.

487
01:18:33.600 –> 01:18:50.010
debstell: So for communication in the chaos phase of when focus on high empathy, reducing fear health and family first and I’m sure all of you did that there was a lot of information. There’s a lot of support out there and it comes naturally to us is so interesting how

488
01:18:51.420 –> 01:19:00.510
debstell: Some of the best of humanity has showed up through this crisis because this came naturally, most people I have not actually heard a story of any

489
01:19:03.480 –> 01:19:10.740
debstell: company or organization being jerks to their employees. Now it could be that I haven’t heard it, but it doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. But most people have

490
01:19:11.010 –> 01:19:14.700
debstell: We’ve heard some really positive things about how people are taking care of their people.

491
01:19:15.390 –> 01:19:27.720
debstell: So as we’re communicating around those things and noticing that you might go back into the new normal go back into the office and somebody might be kicked into the chaos phase of this crisis when we’re there. So, be alert to that.

492
01:19:28.110 –> 01:19:38.190
debstell: And goes back to the question. Somebody asked earlier about the anxiety. They might be feeling about the uncertainty around their jobs. Okay, and

493
01:19:39.000 –> 01:19:54.360
debstell: Coming from the four ingredients for conscious communication be listening at level two and three hearing what they’re saying aware of their context, their context. Okay, being courageous courageous and

494
01:19:55.680 –> 01:20:07.170
debstell: Transparent and wholehearted and asking the hard questions and just being honest, that you don’t have the answers. Okay. Be curious about where they’re at and the elements of trust. Make sure those are in place.

495
01:20:08.700 –> 01:20:17.730
debstell: You’ll notice the theme here that the conscious conversation. There’s nothing new, how we apply it in the face of crisis, if we’re doing it all the time.

496
01:20:18.360 –> 01:20:26.520
debstell: And if we’re not doing it all the time. We can up this with this, the tools that I shared with you today, you can increase this for

497
01:20:26.910 –> 01:20:36.420
debstell: Your everyday communication because if you’re doing it every day, you’ll be able to do it more easily in crisis. So at this time. Our communication.

498
01:20:37.020 –> 01:20:49.470
debstell: Needs to focus on establishing new routines and for an integrated work life. And most of us now we’re five weeks in here in Vancouver. Most of us have actually kind of establish some routines for integrated work life.

499
01:20:49.830 –> 01:20:53.370
debstell: I mean, I always worked from home, except when I was going out to the presentation so

500
01:20:54.240 –> 01:21:07.710
debstell: Not a lot different. For me, but I watched my husband, and he’s working from home and and how my son, my, my clients. And so my friends are integrating the work life now. And so we’re still there, establishing those routines. So

501
01:21:08.850 –> 01:21:21.990
debstell: Still coming from a place of non judgment because we don’t know where people are at and starting to work on new problems and short term opportunities and doing less well rather than more this is such a beautiful opportunity for us as a

502
01:21:23.010 –> 01:21:32.670
debstell: Global humanity as individuals and as teams and organizations to kind of look at what we’re doing and shift away from that more is better model.

503
01:21:33.390 –> 01:21:39.960
debstell: And again, coming at it from listening at level two and three courageous conversations curiosity and trust.

504
01:21:40.680 –> 01:21:51.630
debstell: And then the new normal. And as I mentioned before, we got one foot in acceptance and one foot in the new normal right now. But we’re not fully in the new normal. Even though we’re using that phrase, because we don’t know what it’s going to be yet.

505
01:21:52.830 –> 01:21:57.510
debstell: So we’re going to be focusing here on opportunity to redesign.

506
01:21:57.960 –> 01:22:09.570
debstell: setting clear expectations getting into high gear having ideas and innovate openly. So here’s an opportunity for you to innovate openly with how your team is communicating

507
01:22:09.990 –> 01:22:20.520
debstell: With each other like taking back these exercises and doing it with them. Okay, and pushing some of those boundaries around conversations and communication. Okay.

508
01:22:21.780 –> 01:22:22.650
debstell: So in summary,

509
01:22:23.700 –> 01:22:26.040
debstell: We looked at the four ingredients for conscious conversations

510
01:22:27.180 –> 01:22:36.750
debstell: We gave you a formula for tough conversations, and I hope that you’ve seen that though we’ve got the three phases of crisis, and we’re kind of swinging back and forth between them.

511
01:22:37.020 –> 01:22:50.730
debstell: That this idea of conscious conversations applies in anytime. It’s not different, because we’re in crisis. Okay, it’s perhaps more important because we’re in crisis, but it’s not different. Okay.

512
01:22:52.440 –> 01:22:52.920
debstell: All right.

513
01:22:54.030 –> 01:23:10.440
debstell: So last opportunity for you to share in the chat is the what you’re going to take back and share with somebody in your life on your team anywhere because the best way for us to learn something is to teach it.

514
01:23:10.950 –> 01:23:22.470
debstell: So an idea that you got today that you want to share with your team, or just even debrief with you with someone on your team, or maybe share with your spouse because so you could lock it in for yourself.

515
01:23:23.250 –> 01:23:37.020
debstell: If you could take a moment right now to pop that in the chat. What does that key idea for you that you’re taking back today into your conversations.

516
01:23:41.460 –> 01:23:43.110
debstell: Yeah. What this doesn’t look like

517
01:23:45.300 –> 01:23:48.720
debstell: It opens up so much opportunity for conversation.

518
01:23:51.510 –> 01:24:01.950
debstell: Yeah yeah thinking and thinking through beforehand because we tend to get in like a fight or flight mode when we’re entering into a conversation. It’s not going to go as well. Yeah.

519
01:24:03.360 –> 01:24:04.530
Awesome. Thank you.

520
01:24:06.060 –> 01:24:10.080
debstell: Values conversation super useful formula. Thank you guys.

521
01:24:12.150 –> 01:24:25.590
debstell: Just want to make sure that you’re you’ve got some insight and and without being able to see your faces and read the room and I know where the energy that I really need you to help me by letting me know what was valuable for you. Okay.

522
01:24:26.400 –> 01:24:32.010
debstell: Yeah, writing down the facts. Darren says communicating boundaries. Yeah. What’s okay what’s not okay.

523
01:24:33.120 –> 01:24:38.160
debstell: When you come from that point of view, it makes it so much easier. It’s not okay. If you talk to me this way.

524
01:24:38.700 –> 01:24:48.990
debstell: Right. Stick to the plan. Yes. Somebody said, I need to read their to lead. Yes, you do. All of you need to read their lead. It’s a fantastic book and

525
01:24:49.620 –> 01:25:02.670
debstell: The, the program is great too. There’s training programs that you can sign up for and I can bring some of that to you. I’m done. Dare to lead trained, there’s a certain there’s different levels of training for dare to lead and what you’re allowed to do in terms of

526
01:25:04.020 –> 01:25:06.240
debstell: Teaching other groups but scrape

527
01:25:07.500 –> 01:25:20.550
debstell: Yes, graduating two more active listening. There is no right or wrong. This is the most important thing to come from values, right, because we tend to wake. We’re so black and white like I’m right, they’re wrong.

528
01:25:21.060 –> 01:25:23.820
debstell: And if we come from that place of. There is no right or wrong.

529
01:25:24.450 –> 01:25:33.540
debstell: Right, the risk taker versus the security seeker neither one of them are right or wrong, just different. And if we communicate with each other is super, super helpful.

530
01:25:34.080 –> 01:25:45.870
debstell: Okay, thanks guys. Alright, so what I want you to do is we’re going to wrap up right now. Sorry, we’re about a minute over going to go one more minute and stay with us. And then we’ll get you out of here.

531
01:25:47.160 –> 01:25:56.340
debstell: Is to schedule a 1024 seven review and what that looks like. I went out because I want to make sure you lock in the learning. So from your notes. They took from today.

532
01:25:56.610 –> 01:26:03.570
debstell: I want to schedule 10 minutes 24 hours from now and then again seven days from now, to review your notes from this workshop

533
01:26:03.900 –> 01:26:14.100
debstell: I don’t want you to merely consume this because I know I was a teacher and I’ve been to plenty of these workshops where you like, well, this is a great idea. And I’m still going to do that and then Monday you go back to doing things the way you always did.

534
01:26:14.550 –> 01:26:24.300
debstell: Okay, so you have to be really intentional. So I want you to schedule the week from now, you’re going to revisit this and ask yourself, how am I implemented any of this. How could I implement

535
01:26:24.840 –> 01:26:45.120
debstell: Another piece of this, okay, everybody okay with that like that idea. I hope so. I’m going to assume you’re saying yes. Awesome. Okay, so if you are yes to doing a review of that the 1027 2010 24 seven please put a yes in the chat. Okay, awesome. Two more things. And I’ll hand it back to Kate.

536
01:26:46.290 –> 01:27:01.440
debstell: Awesome. So I have some gifts for you because first of all, I want to acknowledge you for being here today for taking the time to be here to learn to up level your leadership skills is so, so important, right, is the

537
01:27:02.610 –> 01:27:19.350
debstell: You know you are here and I acknowledge you for your commitment to your growth. The contribution. This is going to make to your relationships by way of sharpening your conscious conversation skills and because of your dedication growth. I want to give as gifts for you. So I have

538
01:27:20.610 –> 01:27:26.130
debstell: A subscription. I have a read it for me. So it’s a read it, read it for me is a program with a

539
01:27:26.430 –> 01:27:35.010
debstell: Book Summaries and they’re awesome. And so you get a summary there to lead on there. I have a currently my reading list. So if you go to read it for.me slash stellar

540
01:27:35.340 –> 01:27:45.720
debstell: You can get a free one year subscription to my reading list. Okay. And so, and because you guys I know are interested in learning and growing your leadership. I have lots of different

541
01:27:46.110 –> 01:27:56.730
debstell: Select selections each month. And plus, there’s five free books for read it for from Read It For Me as well as my three each month. So there’s eight summaries for you. Each month for

542
01:27:57.060 –> 01:28:07.440
debstell: flexing your leadership muscle and your communication muscle. Okay. And the other thing that I want to give to you with for being here today is a one hour coaching call with me. So if you

543
01:28:08.370 –> 01:28:19.230
debstell: Feel that you know if you want to go deeper with anything that we talked about today and anything that we covered I’ll open myself up to putting a one hour coaching call on the calendar for you.

544
01:28:19.890 –> 01:28:32.010
debstell: My gift to you and if and if you had everything you needed today. That’s great. I’m so glad and but if you want to take advantage of this offer to have a one hour coaching call with me.

545
01:28:32.520 –> 01:28:41.940
debstell: To follow up on anything we did here. Go Go deeper maybe deal with a specific issue you’re wanting to have some support around specific conversation. You’re going to plan.

546
01:28:42.450 –> 01:28:51.090
debstell: You can use that one hour with me for anything related to what we talked about today. Okay, and to take advantage of that you can. All you have to do is, email me.

547
01:28:51.420 –> 01:28:58.710
debstell: At dub style gmail.com with the subject line more conscious conversations, no later than May 5

548
01:28:59.340 –> 01:29:10.860
debstell: And may 5 is one week from now when you’re going to be doing the seven part of your 1024 seven review. Okay, so that’ll remind you, so feel free to reach out if you would like some extra support around that. Okay.

549
01:29:11.400 –> 01:29:16.290
debstell: And if there any other questions, now’s the time to post pop them in the chat.

550
01:29:16.920 –> 01:29:23.730
debstell: And if you have to go. We understand, but I do want to, if you’ll stay in this listen to Kate for just one minute. I think she’s got some housekeeping things for you.

551
01:29:24.300 –> 01:29:38.460
debstell: Let’s be friends connected with me on LinkedIn at Deborah’s telling worth email me at dub style at GMAIL. COM. You find my website. They’re always thanks everybody for being here today. I really appreciate you and I appreciate your commitment to

552
01:29:39.540 –> 01:29:58.920
debstell: strengthening your courage skill and your conscience conscious conversation skills because one person at a time is how we make cultures of conscious conversation and and courageous cultures. Okay. Thanks everyone. Okay, I’m gonna turn it back to cake because I think Kate has some

553
01:30:01.470 –> 01:30:14.040
kate.lambert: Oops. Not sure have some closing closing remarks, basically. No, just to say thank you so much for joining us today and for the wonderful insights that you’ve shared both

554
01:30:14.520 –> 01:30:23.370
kate.lambert: On what we’re going through now in crisis mode but also these things are so important for our personal and professional relationships moving forward.

555
01:30:24.210 –> 01:30:35.970
kate.lambert: So definitely skills that we can use today and in the future. And now we’ve got some work to do with some tangible tips and guides to move this forward. So that’s great.

556
01:30:36.750 –> 01:30:47.400
kate.lambert: I also want to thank Norton rose Fulbright who is the Wi Fi annual sponsor and thanks to all of you for joining and participating in our first

557
01:30:47.820 –> 01:31:03.300
kate.lambert: Digital workshop so exciting for us to be able to offer, and we hope to follow up with more and encourage everyone to explore upcoming events, both with you alive VC, as well as your ally in general.

558
01:31:04.080 –> 01:31:17.580
kate.lambert: And look into membership options. If you’re a guest today because there are definitely a zillion resources on the you ally website that will be helpful for leadership.

559
01:31:18.120 –> 01:31:30.030
kate.lambert: Today, tomorrow and beyond and all sorts of other resources that are out there for members, some of our upcoming events or my god you may get

560
01:31:31.560 –> 01:31:49.080
kate.lambert: Reminders if you’re a member, or if you’re signed up for the email list, but we have a weekly off script Pacific West Coast happy hour. And that’s every Thursday from four to six. So it’s a fun thing to join. If you haven’t tried it already. Check it out.

561
01:31:50.160 –> 01:32:01.440
kate.lambert: You ally rapid adaptation webinar with you alive northwest, which is sort of our Seattle. We’re going I know counterparts. And that’s kind of up on Friday.

562
01:32:02.040 –> 01:32:14.490
kate.lambert: And in May we have what’s called the you ally Canada pulse check and you can find out more information about these events on the UFC website which all

563
01:32:15.510 –> 01:32:21.630
kate.lambert: I can pop that in the chat and but you can you can look us up online as well.

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kate.lambert: So that would be the end of our program. And again, thanks to death. And thanks to everybody for joining us today.

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01:32:35.250 –> 01:32:39.060
kate.lambert: There’s the website in the chat if anyone you know, here we go.

566
01:32:40.260 –> 01:32:44.580
debstell: Thanks, and someone said they want to share with our organization. Yeah, feel free to share. And if you want

567
01:32:46.290 –> 01:32:49.290
debstell: Some more of these resources, reach out to me as well.

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01:32:52.140 –> 01:32:56.550
kate.lambert: Great. Okay. Well, everybody. Have a wonderful day and week

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debstell: Make it a great week.